Have I mentioned before that this holiday is terrible?
Here is what I expected out of today:
Get off of work, pick up my daughter and go trick or treating with both of my kids, then, maybe head to a friends for a Halloween party.
Here is what I got:
A phone call at 3pm from the ex saying that I can’t get her because our “agreement” states nothing about Halloween. Then, after coercing him to let me take my child for a few hours of trick-or-treating (did I mention he doesn’t celebrate Halloween?), I get home and my driver, who is my ex-husband that rents a room from me (I know, I know), is nowhere to be found… yes, we share a child too, so my second child will need tracking down now too.
Needless to say, I call someone else to arrange picking up my daughter Veronica, and twenty minutes later (the new driver) calls to say that Veronica is not at her dads. Of course. She is at her friends house… apparently, I was supposed to have known to pick her up from there! I don’t know where her friend lives. I don’t know her phone #. I call Veronica’s dad to explain this and he implies that I should drive around until I figure out which house Veronica’s friend lives in… all he has is a street name.
Now – poor Veronica right? She is at a party right now, while I sit here and cry because I am pissed off and frustrated but when she gets home it will be worse for her. She will have to suffer for her parents splitting up so many years ago, for the paper agreement that is fought over and discussed far too often, and for the incompetence that both her father and I offer as parents. She will get in trouble for not communicating with me, or her dad, or both of us. She will get in trouble for not answering her phone. She will get in trouble for being a teenager – but that comes with the territory.
And this feeling of frustration is all too familiar. It happens entirely too often. It has been 12 years of fighting or better yet, resisting, avoiding, and defending. 12 years of waiting. Waiting for my daughter to be an adult, so that we can have a relationship, without the interference of her father… which only makes me feel a sense of worry that I am rushing her to grow up and I cannot enjoy THESE times.
At this point I’m just going to order a pizza and hang out at home. My days of childhood involvement seem to be coming to an end and as I sulk, and I will, I will remember when I used to enjoy this holiday. I will remember the first time I took my little girl out – she was only a month old, and I was 16. She wore her little Nala P.J.’s (from the Lion King), and she was the cutest little baby cub you ever did see. My son was an elephant when he celebrated his first Halloween. His fat little face was incredibly adorable. My children are the most beautiful creatures in this wide world. Yes, I am biased.
So goodnight everyone, and Happy Halloween.